Home Cooked Meal
 
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? 

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” 

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. 

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned. 

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother. 

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”

Confronted by Cold Hard Truth
 
John received a parrot for his birthday. 

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. 

John tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. 

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. 

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. 

John was frightened he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. 

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” 

John was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask, what did the chicken do?”

Cool teenage Martian: “I was at a party on Mercury last night.” 

His friend: “Was it any good?” 

Cool teenage Martian: “No! It was really boring.” 

His friend: “How come?” 

Cool teenage Martian: “There was no atmosphere.”

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. 

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” 

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.” 

The American scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.” 

The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?” 

To which the American replied, “Fifteen or 20 years.” 

“But what then?” 

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.” 

“Millions? Then what?” 

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. 

Baby Bear goes down stairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It’s empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!” he squeaks. 

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it’s also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. 

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “Oh for goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first. It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Momma Bear who made the coffee. It was Momma Bear who threw in a load of clothes. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold morning to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set the table. It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to drag your lazy bodies downstairs and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time …” 

“I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

An woman decided to have her portrait painted. 

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” 

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. 

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.” 

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?” 

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff … church, church, church.”

A man is driving his car along a dirt road when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine when he hears a voice behind him say: “It’s your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start.” 

He looks around, but there is not a soul in sight in either direction. Then, he notices a white horse with its head over the pasture fence next to the road. 

The horse looks at him and says: “It’s your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start.” 

The man does as he is told. He unscrews the wing-nut, takes out the carburetor and knocks it against his foot. Sure enough, a little dirt rolls and falls into the middle of the road. He gets back into the car, and it starts immediately as soon as he turns the key in the ignition. 

He rolls down the window, and says to the horse: “Thank You.” 

“Oh, you’re very welcome.” replies the horse. 

The man keeps driving until he reaches the first pub he can find. He gets out, goes to the bar, and starts downing drinks one after the other. 

Overcome with curiosity, the bartender finally comes over and asks the man if anything is wrong. 

“Yeah, but you’d never believe if I told you,” responds the man. 

“Try me.” said the bartender. 

“Well, my car stopped out on this road. I had the hood up, and I was trying to figure out what was wrong, when suddenly I heard this voice behind me telling me that the carburetor was dirty. I looked up and down the road, but there was no one in sight. Then, I noticed a white horse with his head over the fence. It turned out that the horse was actually doing the speaking. For sure, the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” 

“Well, you got lucky.” says the bartender. 

“Lucky? I met a talking white horse and you say I got lucky?!” says the man. 

“Yeah, you got lucky you met the white horse.” answers the bartender, “There is also a black horse in that pasture, and he doesn’t know squat about cars.”

You know you've had to may drinks when your sitting on the toilet and try to put a seatbelt on.

A Harvard professor received a grant to study the state of Christianity in America. 

Beginning in his home state of Massachusetts he attended church on a Sunday morning and was struck by a telephone next to the pulpit. A sign read, “Speak to heaven – $10,000.” 

He next went to Wisconsin and selected a church to attend to collect data for his study. Oddly, he saw the same thing: a telephone next to the pulpit and a sign reading, “Speak to heaven – $10,000.” 

His research took him to the West Coast and on Sunday morning he attended a large Bay Area church. Again, the telephone and the $10,000 offer to call heaven. 

His final destination was a large church in Houston. Once more, he saw the telephone next to the pulpit. But this time, the sign said, “Speak to heaven – 25-cents.” 

After the service the professor approached the pastor and asked why he was charging only a quarter for a call others were charging $10,000 to make. 

“Simple,” replied the pastor. “You’re in Texas now. It’s a local call.”

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … um, a cola.” 

“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender. 

The bear shrugged. 

“Not sure. I was born with them.”

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” 

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.” 

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” 

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” 

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” 

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.” 

“What about that eye patch?” 

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and suddenly my eye was filled with bird droppings” 

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.” 

“It was my first day with the hook.”

An elderly couple are in church. 

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” 

The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

sir..