God Says Bird Deaths are His Doing
(Washington, DC) The galactic deity, also known as God, offered an exclusive interview to Dan Rather, yesterday. He cleared up the story about the the
thousands of dead birds that fell from the sky over central Arkansas last week and hinted at his plans for some more surprises across the United States.
Dan Rather: Your holiness, what’s happening with the dead birds in Arkansas?
God: Please, Dan, just call me God. I decided to create some serious wish fulfillment for certain people in the United States.
DR: I don’t understand?
G: Of course, you don’t (God chuckles). Just kidding Dan, it’s a deity joke, you wouldn’t understand (God laughs again). Seriously, I don’t have a lot of time for this quadrant of the Galaxy. We have issues with renegade black holes, planetary systems populated by billions of meticulous cognitive entities, and the usual problems of entropy and so forth. But the vibrations I get from parts of the United States have become a bit annoying.
DR: Please, elaborate…
G: Well, there’s the non-stop noise about end times, second comings, etc. I’ve been to Earth a few times, albeit briefly. Believe me Dan, nobody wants me to come back now. I’m easily annoyed when I have to enter human form, particularly with people who claim to speak in my name. At any rate, I thought I would give them a taste of their own medicine. There is nothing like birds dropping from the sky to get peoples’ attention.
DR: What about the dead fish in Louisiana?
G: Dan, I love your work but please. Try to be serious here. That’s all their doing. I had nothing to do with the fish. The Gulf of Mexico was a human deal also. I mean, have you met Tony Hayward of BP? My goodness! By the way, the birds are just fine. Hear that chirping in the background? Fabulous isn’t it. Earth has so many recommending qualities, if I do say so myself.
DR: Where do you go from thousands of dead birds falling from the sky?
G: Here’s a big hint Dan. Look into the great earthquakes of 1811 and 1812. The damn Mississippi flowed backward. I outdid myself. That’s just a little of what I’ve got in store for the
holier than thou crowd. I’ve enjoyed our time together Dan. It’s time to wrap it up.
DR: Absolutely. Just one more question. Earlier you said, “We have issues …” Is there more than one God?
G: Dan, you’re killing me (laughing uproariously). Please stop. Look, it’s time for me to go. I hear my
better half calling (more laughter, whooshing sound, God is gone).
END
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