Can't seem to get windows update to do anything but search for updates, I've tried every online fix I could find. Microsoft fixit, server other windows programs of the sort and those won't work either, just hang at and all say "checking for updates" really starting to irritate me

 
Have you tried the Windows Update Troubleshooter download?  http://windows.microsoft.com/en-us/windows7/open-the-windows-update-troubleshooter

It takes a long Time to check on fresh install. It took me over an hour last time with 168 updates.

There is some kind of a problem with windows update agent.
I have a laptop that didn't like windows 10, so I did a fresh install of windows 7.
It took 2 days of restarts and running windows updates before it finally worked.
In fact windows updates was on the screen running away but not showing any progress when I noticed the icon on the taskbar that updates were
ready to install. I clicked install the updates but windows updates was still on the screen scrolling across like it was still searching.
I tried installing the new update agent but it didn't help.
just keep trying and sooner or later it will work.